Happy Birthday, Gloria Grace!

Once upon a time, in a time not too long ago,
There lived a couple in a land quite distant
From the place they now call home. 

They had decided, the two of them together
That their hearts would be on Mission
And they would be content as a family of two... forever.

With sweat and tears and sometimes blood, they toiled and they prayed
For a people they did not know, yet loved none the less, anyway. 

Then, allofasudden and quite surprisingly fast
A boy child came to them and they knew he was their first
And thought their very last.

But lo and behold, and soon after that
There was a discovery they never thought possible to be
For unbeknownst to them someone Grew!
Against every probability.

So surprised were they, and unable to contain all joy
They called their family across the great water
Even though it be their darkest midnight hour

And after a period of time, that seemed to last
And last.
Once upon a time, finally.
And most assuredly.
.... passed.

What name shall be given to this first to break forth
Out of the darkness and into the light
Shall it be Gloria? Shall it be Grace?
No. Neither alone seemed just right.

Why not put them together? They ring so beautifully.
Like the sound of lavished love upon a child
Gloria Grace was simply meant to be.

Five years to the day has she grown now
Five birthdays she's called her own
Five years in hopes that before the first stone 
Gloria Grace would be read in The Book of His Foreknown

So, dear Gloria Grace with your radiant face
This is our prayer for you.
That one day soon at just the right time
You would be made anew.

Anew with a Glory and anew by a Grace
Anew by the One who formed you to be
Anew by a Motion set forth before Once Upon a Times
Anew with new life to be breathed.

For this is life's purpose to know and be known
By Him Who holds all things together
For He is full of grace and truth
And wonder that outlasts forever.

He works in the lands of minds and hearts
Calling forth those who are His
Those He's given ears to hear
Those with new lives to be lived.

He conforms and He molds and He breaks and He builds
And He gives And He takes And He injures and He heals.

All things for good
And all things for His glory
Not one moment is lost or misplaced
In Divine Love's allegory.

For God is The Giver Who gave you your everything
Every breath you breathe and every song you sing
We pray for you dear child, of our flesh and bone
That we would not be the only ones who call you our very own.

"In love He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his Glorious Grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved." (Eph 1)

We love you sweet Gloria Grace. Happy 5th Birthday! May you have many many more.

Happy 12th Birthday, Keano!

Twelve years ago, God gave me a son. ...but it wasn't in the typical way He gives a mother a son. I didn't know he was being born, and I didn't know he was mine.

He was born in a land I had only dreamt about. A land I had loved since I was eight years old. A land I knew I would one day live.

God gave my son his first breaths in the year I was taking my first baby steps into the greatest darkness of my life, because God doesn't count our sin against us.

He was born to a mother who loved him as her only son. He grew in her womb, nursed at her breasts, and clung tightly on her back. He looks like her, this woman who's sacrificial love would give me the name that she owns naturally. Momma.
For five years, she tended to his needs as best she could, with life's addictions warring within her. Then, right when there seemed as if there was nothing but darkness, in one glorious moment, Light broke forth. ...And it was good. Very good.
The first words were strong, a foundation of sorts, “He must just call you Momma and He must just call you Daddy.” He's never known another Daddy.

For five years, we prayed. For five years we stood brave together on our knees, praying and hoping that what God had done in those moments within, He would do for all to know and see. Five years of trusting, Five years of unknowns, Five years of courage, Five years of fear, Five years of waiting, Five years of doing, Five years of hearing the naysayers and wondering if they were right, Five years of listening to the encouragers who reminded us of The Faithful God, Five years of hoping, Five years of doubt, Five years of patience, Five years of anxiety, Five years of grieving, Five years of joy. Five. Years.

“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:6-9

In a ceremony like none other, God gave me my only son. I promised the woman who labored for hours for her only son, that I would love him as my son. That all that I have would be his.... That there would be no distinction between him and those who've grown within me. That I would teach him well and that I would forever be his Momma and that his Daddy would forever be his Daddy......

And I remember.

I remember he is not the only son given to me. There was another only Son. An only Son that wasn't just given to me, but was given for me. And this only Son is radically different than the one who's wrapped in dark brown skin and bright brown eyes, throwing a football in the field. This only Son was sent on a rescue mission. A rescue mission for ones who didn't want to be rescued.

A rescue mission for those with stiff necks and hard hearts. A rescue mission for those His love was set upon before the first beat of their heart was heard, before their fingers were formed, before their their newborn lungs were filled with breath, before they did good.... or bad, before He laid the very foundations of the Earth. Before.

And He wouldn't just come.

This Son was given with blood. A blood filled fountain that would forever change a people that rightfully belonged to Him. There weren't papers to sign. There weren't hoops to jump through, “I's” to dot and “T's” to cross. There wasn't any guess work. There weren't attorneys, there weren't borders and visas. There weren't psychological evaluations.

There was a perfect life lived. In every way one could be perfect, He was. Every word. Every deed. Every thought. He was perfect. He was perfect so that He could make a wicked people perfect before His Father. Not a people that were born good, but a people that were born with hearts of stone.

The Great Exchange.

My wickedness, the people whom He is jealous for... their depravity, all of it was laid upon Him. He received the punishment. He was beaten. He was bruised. He was tormented and teased. He was tortured. He was brutally killed. He was buried, and by the might of His Father's hand His eyes opened, His air filled his lungs, and He lived. The One who was given for me was my ransom, The One and Only.

And I will forever be The One and Only's. My heart will forever be transformed. My eyes will forever see differently and my ears will forever be able to hear His voice. My nature will forever be different. I will forever be clothed in His righteousness. I will be forever grafted in.

My twelve year old son will always have our last name and his Daddy's middle name. He will forever be a part of this Swedish and German family tree. From him, Lord willing, I will have grandchildren with the same last name, and the same brown skin. He will forever have our love. He will forever have three sisters with fair skin and flowing hair. A little boy from a womb not my own, who lived in a land not my own, who has features not my own, will forever be my own.

Adoption started before time began. Before the first tick of a clock, before the first babies cry, before the first forbidden bite of fruit, adoption was in motion.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, heaven as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.” Ephesians 1

Rejoice!

Who is like you, O Lord, among the gods? Who is like you, majestic in holiness, awesome in glorious deeds, doing wonders? (Ex 15:11)

I am overwhelmed at just how FULL my heart is with gratitude towards The Living God. I feel like I imagine the Isrealites felt after crossing the Red Sea on dry land and then turning around watching God bury all the Egyptians in the massive torrents of sea. How their hearts must have soared at watching the very hand of the Lord put an end to their opressors. ....so much so that they burst forth in song because their hearts were just that full.

When I look back over the past five years we've had Keano and all the obstacles we faced with their various trials in getting Keano's adoption finalized, what can I do but worship? He is the one who put the desire in our hearts for Keano and Keano's desire to be our son... and even greater, HE is the one who perservered that desire.  

Rejoice with us, our friends! Rejoice that God has given us a son! Rejoice that He is faithful to the desires that He gives. ...And rejoice that He is the One who brings those desires to fruition.

(On Saturday, Aug 27 from 1-3 we will be having a celbration for Keano as 'officially' part of our family. Cake and ice cream and lots of joy! All are welcome :)

Decisions to be made.

I don't know what to write. I don't know how to collect the many thoughts running through  my mind in a concise and organized manner. This, I do know...

Lessons learned:

These past two years, God has taught us much. This past Sunday at Arrowbrook, our pastor, who is preaching through Jeremiah, said, "The Lord wounds before he heals. He afflicts us before He comforts us. We're not meant to be comforted before first the Lord has afflicted our soul and saved us and then He comforts us. First the Lord must wound with the preaching of sin and repentance which wounds and cuts the conscience and then the cross is the healing balm for the soul...."  Though he was applying this to salvation, it was very applicable to the past two years of our lives. He afflicted us much and as a result, taught us much about our own arrogance and thinking too highly of ourselves. He taught us much on what is shakeable and what is not. He taught us much on faith that He gives, not thatnwe muster up, apart from Him.

God gives and He takes away. He is good. Whatever blessing and whatever challenge He gives to us is for our good and His glory. It has not come from anyone else, but Him. He is good. He is for us. Therefore, we can believe whatever hardship, however severe it might be, it is right for us to go through, because it is from our good God who is in control of all and for His children. Our hearts are anchored in that Truth. If any of those factors were not true, there would be reason to panic, be angry, full of fear, bitterness, rage, despair, and force. Two choices. That's it. No gray. Am I wrong?

Upcoming decisions; The here and now. 

We are facing another challenge. Another decision to be made. We need prayer.

We are so excited about Keano's adoption to be finalized. So excited.

We heard from Namibia this morning. Our social worker asked for a range of dates we would be in Namibia so she could set a court date. We gave her a range of 7 days. She wrote back and said that though going before the magistrate (judge) is a one time thing, the adoption itself can take up to five weeks to be processed.

We also heard from S. Africa this morning. We have to get a brief interview at the US embassy and a medical check up for Keano. The email said that if Keano has ever had TB (he has not) then it could take up to 6 weeks to get the results for the medical check up done. I don't know if they will take our word for it, or not. Keano does not have many medical records. We have a few ideas to try and prove that he has not had TB, but it comes down to their decision.

We had planned to spend 7 days in Namibia and 5 days in S. Africa. We thought it would be more than sufficient. We have not planned for 11 weeks.

I called yesterday (before we knew these details) to reserve (not purchase) tickets for Todd, myself, Keano, and Felicity. My parents and in-laws are willing to watch Gloria and Faith. Felicity's ticket is only 10% of the adult ticket, so we thought we'd make it easier on our parents and take her with.

When I reserved the tickets, the travel agent told me that fuel taxes were up to about $480/ticket. The cost for T, K, and myself to fly is right at about $6000 total. Felicity is 10% of an adult size tickets.

We need to decide if: we:

A.) Fly back after a week in Namibia and wait here in America - flying back again (buying new tickets for T, K and myself) when it is approved, taking just a day or two in Namibia to go to the embassy and then going to South Africa (Keano's US visa is good until June.)

B.) Fly the whole family over to Namibia, and waiting there for paperwork, Todd flies back after a week and rejoins once paperwork is received. I wait in Namibia until it is processed with the children.

Please pray for us tonight if we come to mind. We need to make our decision tonight, because we must finalize our tickets tomorrow. There is no way we could leave our girls for the potential duration of this process.

Please, would you pray that the Lord would give us clarity as we talk and decide what to do this evening? Pray that we would be grounded on all that is true of God... all that He has taught us, and what His Word says is right.

PS.  2 more things that didn't fit anywhere else.

1. Keano's all time favorite song is "Lead Me." (Sanctus Real) He keeps singing all the time "Lead me with strong hands... stand up when I cant...." (Totally random.. Rather ironic. Don't even think he realizes it's implications....yet.) 

2. This trip would mark almost exactly 2 years since the Lord brought us back. It would be Felicity's first time in Africa.

Sunday morning drama

The day just wouldn't be complete without it.

So, Todd got up with the girls this morning and I was sleeping in. Now if I stopped at that sentence, it would be lovely, but no. Ooooooh no!...No loveliness at all.

What I came down the stairs to was anything but peaceful. By all the ruckus you would have thought we were in the middle of a natural disaster. And, if we dropped the word natural, it WAS a disaster. I mean a HUGE disaster. In fact, of all the time we've lived in this house (I know, less than a year, really... but still), we have never had disaster on this grand of scale.

Apparently, on Faiths way out of the bathroom (with no one behind her), her little two year old hands locked our one and only bathroom door. Yes, you read that right; one and only bathroom. It's an old farmhouse. I guess back in the 1800's when this beauty was designed, only one bathroom was essential. Not so much the case now. (Not complaining of course, but still, a set up for disaster.)

I flew down the stairs with lightning speed, convinced that some one was surely dying.

"What's going on?" I asked, my eyes darting back and forth looking for the injured person I was sure I would find.

"Faith locked the bathroom door, and we've all got to go!" said a wild eyed Keano.

Well, gooooood morning, Sunday. 

I wish I could give you a moment by moment, but at this point it is still a bit of a blur.

Todd had tried about every reasonable possibility he could to pick the lock. It wasn't working. He was already late for Sunday school for the class he was teaching. The tension was mounting.

I walked around the outside of the house bare foot (my feet are still cold) and tried the windows. Locked. Nothing like trying to break into your own house.... especially when it's to no avail.

Keano, after he announced that he just 'went' in the woods, saw the entire event as an adventure. A mystery to be solved. (It wasn't as cute as it sounds, at the time.)

Gloria, who has a good cold going on, just kept wimpering, "I neeeeeeed a tissue. My nose wont stop running!"

Faith, who is newly potty trained, with the bladder the size of a pea, starts saying "Mommy, I need to go pee pee." I ignored her. What was I to do? If I explained to her that we couldn't right now it would just make a bad thing worse.

My reasoning worked for all of....say, hmmmm..... two minutes. Then came the potty dance. MOMMY. PEE PEE!! Enough said.

Moving along...

Felicity, who has the least worries in the world when it comes to bathrooms, just wanted to be in the mix and under our very busy feet.

So, there we were.. All 6 of us, down a narrow little hall, doing our best to stay in the front and get through a locked door. Recipe for disaster.

We were done for. Done. For.

There's a chain saw in the chicken coup. I would lie if I said we didn't seriously contemplate it. If it wasn't for the fact that we weren't entirely sure how to use it, this stories ending would probably be significantly different.

I put all my effort into the last shred of sanity that I had and called the landlords. Who, conveinently enough, are my parents. I know, this probably should have come well before this moment. We weren't really thinking straight, if you hadn't noticed.

My dad rushed over. His handy dandy collection of tools in tote, ...and in about 2 minutes flat, saved the day.

Yup, just like that. A tug here, a twist there, some magic mechanical sprinkle dust, and it was over.

Six eyes on the toilet, 12 feet rushing in. Privacy on the other side of a now open door.

Sweetness

In Namibia checking out Dad's beard. (Keano in the middle)

Little Faith

He loves 'his girls'

In Namibia. Dad on my left. T on my right. One of my favorite photos :)

One day, we'll laugh about this. One day, after we get a door knob that doesn't lock.

Thoughtful Thursday

So, if you haven't already heard we're doing this @Home Biggest Loser Challenge and I think the rubber is meeting the road, folks. My mother-in-law calls these last 10lbs the 'hard lard,' and I think she just may be right. Todd's lost 18lbs and I've lost 12lb. The competition is over at the end of May and I still have ten to lose. T looks great!

A few observations....

Self control at this stage is very difficult. The more I deny myself (by the grace of God) the more I realize how self indulged I had become. Yikes-A-Rama!

I'm trying to season meals with actual seasonings and not sauces. No complaints as of yet, and I actually like how much of the 'food' I can taste.

I have a new found and quite serious love for fresh CILANTRO. I literally put a small bowl of it on the table and throw it on whatever (salty) food item on my plate. Delicious!

Seedless tangerines keep my sweet tooth (teeth?) at bay.

My 'snack' is a graham cracker, border line invisible layer of peanut butter, and 4 (or so) sliced strawberries on top. I look forward to snack time.

I'm ready to give up grocery shopping and hand it over to T. I buy too much. We don't need it. I regret it.

Seeing the scale go from 1X0 to 1X9 made me giddy.

I took our hound dog on a run for the first time. She kicked my butt! It's still sore. I don't think I've run that far and that long since having children.

I love to run outside. Highly dislike the treadmill.

water, water, water, water, water,... and then some more!

Smaller portions and only one serving is very difficult.

I'm so very disciplined with my food in the day, but something happens when the sun goes down. Scary, I know!

Keano and I are having a race to get a six pack. He's already won, but doesn't realize it. ....Shhhhhh

Ok, a bit more 'thoughtful,' but I've been pondering something on bit of a deeper level. Bear with me.

Stay at home mom + 4 kids + homeschooling (at this stage anyway) requires me to be on at a level that I might not be if I didn't have all three said dynamics. Don't get me wrong. I love it and wouldn't change it for anything, but just as it has it's rewards, it also has it's challenges. (For the record, the rewards, far out weigh any challenges :)

My point is that I've been challenged in my heart that if I require a certain level of compliance (that word sounds so yucky. Is it just me? I promise I don't ever use it.) then what of my own self? It seems rather wrong of me to not allow my children to indulge in yet another cookie, or another scoop of ice cream, or more chips and yet when they are out of site, what am I doing?

I do realize we aren't peers and that the standards are different. I'm just simply reflecting on my own standards and wondering if they are a bit too low....and am I teaching and expecting one thing from my children, yet doing the opposite myself.

Either way, it leads me to conclude....

Oh, how I need the grace of God!

 (Just love this Father/Daughter pic and thought I'd share it with ya. Nothing much to do with the post ;)

Keano is ELEVEN!

I just can not get over the fact. Eleven. Eleven?? ...Eleven!

Doesn't that sound rather old, or is it just me?

According to Keano, he is no longer a child, but a young man. This, he determined, is true because at most restaurants he no longer can order off the children's menu.

Alrighty, my young man, you have to be the most cutest, adorable, too-clever-for-your-own-good, young man that I know. Yes, I know that when you read this, the first question you'll ask is 'Mom, how many people read this? This is embarrassing!' To which I'll answer, 'I really don't know, my sweetie. ...but it's too late now, anyway. Whatever three people do read it, have already done so :) ....I know having a mom is ohsotough these days.'

So, I thought that we could do a little remembering with photos, since we do often anyway, and the three other people might enjoy seeing them as well.  Sound like fun?

Here we go.....

Here you are with Daddy. This is the first week the Lord brought us together. Look how cute you are! We all remember this week well. You and Daddy have always made a great team.

Here you are in the kindergarten you helped so hard with. ...Right there in the middle, just next to your cousin Martin, giving a 'thumbs up!'

This is one of my favorites. I wish we had more. God has given you a very special gift in that you have two mothers who love you very much and would do anything for you.

Here you are in Oupa's suitcase the first time they came to visit. You wanted to go with them :)

Here we are having a sleep over with our Namibian family. I miss those!

Just a couple days before Gloria's arrival. You were soooo oooooh excited!

Your birthday. That was a fun present!

 Found you and Gloria like this. So sweet.....

Wrestling. We loved going to all your competitions.

  Skittle house friends!

Here you are with Daddy at Spur celebrating your 7th birthday. I miss this tradition. Do you remember how they would come out with drums and sing such a funny happy birthday song as they painted your face with chocolate? That was FUN!

First time in America visiting TEXAS family.  Here is you and Daddy, Grandpa, and Uncle Troy.

 With Grams and Gramps. They love you so very much!

 In Swakop. We had lots of fun on those dunes!

 At the ocean for the first time.

 Were you scared? I don't think so ;)

`

Holding your second little sissy, Faith. She turned out to be quite the handful ;)

With Ouma and Oupa at Hero's Acre

Having fun in our home in Namibia. Love this!

 

Big brother.

 Home School Projects. You're so creative!

 Christmas in our PJ's.

Playing Fan Tan, your favorite card game. You're tough to beat!

With Faith-y

 With Gloria

With Felicity

With Daddy. You guys are so tough.

You're such an awesome tennis player.

In NYC on the subway with Daddy. This was such a hard trip. Daddy took you to NYC to put you on the plane heading to Africa. We didn't know when we would see you again. God has been so good to us.

 You fooled a lot of people with those hats!

 And after 8 very long months, the Lord brought you back to us.... You met your sister, Felicity, for the first time. She jumped into your arms.

 Your Ouma and Oupa were waiting at the house with your sisters to greet you.

With Gloria and a much bigger (and still feisty) Faith.

So, brave warrior, here we are, almost 6 years from the time the Lord brought us all together and we couldn't be happier. We love you, Keano. We are so glad God has poured His love into our hearts for each other. On your birthday, we not only celebrate with GREAT JOY the day that you were born, but we remember how despite many many obstacles, some still yet to be overcome, God has been and always will be good. He has been good to you. He has been good to us. ...And He always will be because He is FOR us. We must never forget that.

This year, we look forward to traveling back to Namibia to finalize those last details so that what has been done in our hearts will be finalized on paper.  And we will rejoice!

We love you. You are precious to us. Happy 11th Birthday!

Mom and Daddy.

It's been busy.

I am exhausted. I mean, super, duper, over the top, ex.haus.ted!

Is it just me, or has this seemed like the longest winter, EVER? We've seemed to have sickness after sickness over here and I'm just plum worn out, folks. I was able to avoid most all it myself until this past one. And let me just tell you, I was down for the count. In fact, I still don't think I'm quite up-and-at-em yet.

My mom and T tag teamed the family and I'm one thankful Mama, because for all intensive purposes, I was too busy trying to stay alive and fight whatever crud had seemed to invade my entire body, and in fact, is still holding on. Enough is enough, already!

Ahem...... moving on.....

So, Keano turned 11 yesterday. Yes, in the midst of my illness, I did not write a blog post..... yet. (Rest assured, one will be coming).

Gloria is turning 4 on Monday, directly followed by my Dad's birthday on Sunday. It's a busy week.

Felicity is now standing on her own. Still have mixed feelings about her growing so quickly.

Faith can now count to 10 and is quite pleased with herself, though she pretends to be shy. She's a girl. She likes to tease.

But, what I really wanted to write about is prayer. Yes, prayer.

In this house, it's difficult to even pee by yourself, let alone, take time to get away and pray. And I want to pray.

Well, couldn't you be doing that write now, you might ask? No, no I can't. I'm busy sitting at the kitchen table (writing this blog), with Faith on my lap eating her snack, reasoning with Gloria why she can't have yet another one because she has already had too many, keeping an eye on Felicity as she is trying to climb on anything she possibly can that might give me a near heart attack, and listening to Keano tell me all about his future (bounty hunter) career plans, all while trying to dodge orange juice that is flying through the air as he squeezes his orange into the cup in front of him.

And, relatively speaking, this is a pretty low key moment. I'm not kidding. 

Don't get me wrong, though we have a pretty lively bunch, they are also very sweet and precious and I wouldn't trade my job for anything. I mean, anything.

That being said, I want to pray.


I want to pray, I want to pray, I want to pray.

I don't have a grand solution, but let this encourage your heart, as it is mine.

As you are living by the moment, or living by the schedule, or somewhere in between, take the moments in the midst of your work and life to pray. If you are able, take the time out, to pray, but don't let your busyness stop you from praying... even in the midst of it. 

I can some times fall prey (no pun intended) to thinking that unless I have X amount of time to pray, then it's just not worth it to start. ...But what is that based on? One thing is for sure, I'm certain it's nothing from Faith. 

Faith that God pours in causes our hearts to say that despite the chaos of this moment, God is here and He hears. He is the one who puts the prayer in our hearts, so let it pour forth. Don't wait! ....While your doing the dishes, while your changing those diapers, while your playing games on the floor, or cleaning the bathroom, pray.

God is good, my friend, and though there are times we have the luxury of getting away, there are times we don't. Don't let that hold you back from communicating with your Father what He is already communicating to you.


"For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people..." (2 Cor 6) 

Mom

I'm sick as a dog. Where does that phrase come from, anyway? Hopefully it has nothing to do with the fact that they return to their own vomit, because if that is the case, then I'm just plain sick.

 I can hear my little (and not so little) ones downstairs playing and know they are in 100% excellent care, because their dear and precious, Ouma is watching them. She is getting over what I am getting started with and not at her best herself. ....but here she is helping us. Thanks, Mom. You are a life saver. No, seriously. I think I would have had to call 911 by now if you didn't come to my rescue yesterday AND today. I love you. 

In other news.....

Keano told me today that he wanted to be "A Bachlor 'til the Rapture." My dear son, I might be very tempted to remind you of that in a few years time ;)

When I asked Gloria recently what she was 'drawing' on her etch a sketch, she responded (very dramatically) with 'THE GlOOOOORY of GOOOOOOD.' ...And the oddest part of all is that I wasn't even aware that she knew this phrase. Sweet.

My Fiery Faith, has become a bit less fiery and more predictable. Her favorite phrases as of late, are "Miss you." (She says this at random even when we haven't been apart for days. precious.) "Play Mommy's long hair." (LOVE this!) and, 'PEEE PEEEE!' And though this might be a bit TMI, when she has to do more than pee pee, she quickly says "Mommy, close the door! I need my privacy!" (Really? At two? Well, ooooo kkkkkk, little lovie. You take it!)

None my babies have been the 'cuddly type,' but more the, how-quickly-can-I-get-to-the-ground-and-GO type(!), but our Felicity, is another story. She has just charmed me to the core. She LOVES her cuddles. She cuddles right into you! Lays her head on our chest and just cooo's away. Priceless. Can she stay this age forever, please?

I have experimenting with tofu recipes. Just made this: http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Fruity-Tofu-Parfait-with-Granola/Detail.aspx and I don't think it will last very long in this house.

Jack Pot!

We try to do the majority of our grocery shopping (once a month) together, as a family. We make it a fun little outing and the tribe actually looks forward to it. Faith drives in one of those Kroger cars, Gloria gets her own (little) big girl cart, Felicity smiles at everyone she meets, and Keano conquers his *part* of the list. T and I split up, dividing the girls amongst us, and barrel through. It's more fun than it sounds really. ....Or, maybe we're just delusional. 

Anyway, today, while standing and staring at all my garlic choices, I couldn't decide weather or not to just 'grin and bear it' and buy the expensive(!) organic, or not. We love garlic and use it A LOT! (It must be a Namibian thing?) After much agony and deliberation, I decided to go with the plain, old, non-organic, in-a-big-metal-jar, minced, garlic.

But, was I in for a treat, or what!

This afternoon, T and I had a date on the farm. We've lived here since May and have yet to walk the property. We scoped out my folks new house (move in date beg of July), hiked in the woods, walked along the creek, checked out the spring, and crossed the field on our way back to the house. ....And that is when it happened. We hit the jack pot, folks!

The previous owners had the land organically certified and farmed all sorts of things. While we were walking across the field, T looked down and said 'Is that garlic?' There, in all its organic beauty, was not just one head of garlic,  but more than we could count! Needless to say, I am quite pleased that I did not buy that expensive, organic, garlic that was just so enticing from our beloved Kroger.

I am even more happy to say that since our discovery, we've also discovered when garlic is ready to be ripe and our lovely field is promising quite a harvest.

I just happened to have a roast in the crock pot and after my brief, yet exhillerating, garlic harvest, I promptly through a very large amount in. ....which proved quite tasty. If garlic truly builds the immune system, then we are as strong as rocks over here.

Truth be told, I confess, that I love the fact that I get a whiff of garlic every time I scoop up my lovies for a snuggle. It makes me smile.

Though I can't quite say I feel the same about my garlic wrenched hands. Odd, I know. :)

Love, your Daddy.

Dear my little Faith Makiera,

You are two years old Today. I am a little skeptical though. Because you came out a few to maybe even ten days from your due date early, I kind of feel like you're not really two yet. Anyway, this is the birthday God gave you, and I am so happy you are here.

You are precious and sweet. Some of your favorite phrases are "Hold me" "Hug kiss" and "Miss you". You like to say the words "pink" "tractor" "animal" "bookuh" and "cakeyou" (thank you). You have many of your own meanings for words.

You ask for prayer and songs every night. Our favorite songs are "Jesus loves me" "Amazing Grace" "I surrender all" and the ABC's.

Mommy does a wonderful job with your little outfits and hair. You don't at all mind wearing second-hand clothes at this age and I hope that never stops.

Though you are the middle girl, and one of the middle children, you do quite well with it. Your presence is almost always known and you don't have much trouble making sure your needs are known. We like to call you fiery.

Our deepest hope for you is that you will be passionate and fiery for God's Word. We named you after His Word (Makiera) and its most important effect on a human heart. We wanted to glorify Jesus in naming you and raising you and have great hope that this will be done in your life as well.

I hope you know that you are always free to be who God made you to be with us. And we will love whoever God made you to be. If His love is in us, that won't change.

I hope the conversation that began when you said your first word--"dada" never ends.

Happy Birthday Faith and I love you and your mommy loves you so much,

Daddy

Happy Birthday, Faith!

My dearest Faith Makiera,

Today you turned two! You are precious, adorably cute, cantankerous, extremely willful, playful, rather stubborn, beautiful, artistic, very perceptive, and super girly all wrapped up in one little two year old body. This afternoon your daddy and I, and your older brother Keano, your older sister Gloria, and your younger sister Felicity celebrated you. As you opened your presents (most from your grandma and grandpa TX who also love you dearly) you exclaimed with great passion "WOW!" and then asked for another.

Your vocabulary in the past week has abounded to words and phrases we didn't even know you knew. You continue to walk around the house, pointing at different things, and exclaiming "God made it!" You love to sing and I love it when you mix your songs up all into one. Lately, your favorite lines seems to be "I surrender all.... The bible tells me so....God is so big." It makes my heart melt every time.

Unlike your older sister Gloria, who likes mostly toy animals, you love your babies. You rock them, feed them, put them to bed, and even put them in time out when they are naughty. As of yesterday, you were taking one to the potty (something you and I are working on soon ;)

One day Faith, you will be all grown up. I'll blink, and you'll be writing down these memories of your own babies. (Lord willing, of course). Though you are learning much every day, I hope and pray that one day you will go back and read these words I am writing to you now. Your Daddy and I love you very much, Faith Makiera. It isn't a love that is based on how well you do or don't do. Our love for you is an endless fountain because it doesn't come from us, but straight from the Father's heart to you. It will never run dry.

My prayer for you my sweet and darling, Faith, is that one day soon God would give to you the Faith you are named after (if He hasn't already). Not a Faith that you muster up, coming from yourself, but a Faith that is given to you and sustained by Christ alone, and for Christ alone. A Faith that is grounded from and in God, Himself. For He is beautiful.

I love you, Faith and I am so glad the Lord has allowed you to be my daughter.

With endless love,
Mommy

He gives and takes away.

2 years ago, tomorrow, God gave us our second little girl, who we named, Faith Makiera. We love her dearly, but this post is not about her. That will be tomorrows. :)

Gloria and Faith were both born in Namibia. We were able to get ultrasounds at every check up. It was nice. The doctors have the machines and it is rather routine to do them at pretty much every visit.

I'll never forget the day. It was a routine check up. I had been feeling so very tired lately and just thought that it was that 'early 1st trimester weariness.' I hadn't remembered being this tired with Gloria, but then again I wasn't looking after a 1 year old as well.

Dr. Burmiester. We really like him. At first, not so much... but he kinda grows on ya. Quiet. Dry (and very funny) humor. Afrikaaner.

I was seven weeks along. He was doing the ultrasound and was very quite. I remember getting a bit concerned. Then he said, 'Well, it looks like twins.'

WHAT?!?! Complete shock. Twins run NO WHERE in either side of our families. ..and I mean, nowhere.

They were in the same sac. It means they were the same gender and identical. We listened to both heart beats. We have the picture. We told everyone we knew. I don't regret it.

3 weeks later, we went back. One was gone.

It was so early that many, though sad for us, didn't see it as 'that big of a deal.' These things happen all the time. In fact, though at first, it was hard to swallow, I think we convinced ourselves that it wasn't as big of a deal. 

My dear friend Lise, in Namibia, called me up and insisted that she was coming to visit. I was irritated. I was fine. I didn't need to process, and to be honest, if I remember right, I had a lot going on that day.

I'm so glad she came.

Lise and her husband have had much suffering and learned much of God's grace in the midst of it. I needed to hear these things. I needed to hear about life. I needed to hear about loss. I needed to hear and see the testimony of the Christian who has been through and in suffering. I needed to hear about how the Christian embraces hard things as coming from the Lord. We don't run from it. We don't pretend it isn't happening. We experience God's grace in it.

So, on this day, I also remember.

I remember that God gives and that He takes away. I remember that He is good, and my heart rests with full and unwavering peace right there. Blessed be His name....

An Outlet

You might want to skip this one.

All my little ones (and not so little ;) are in bed, and I am needing an outlet to process. I generally process well when I write, so that is what this is. I don't yet know the conclusion. Truth be told, I'm not even quite sure of what my problem is.

I'm not afraid to end on a down note. I know God often takes us 'down' to teach us many beautiful things. He is indeed, beautiful. I'm not afraid to end on a high note, either. Where can we run from His presence? As if we wanted too.

Feelings are funny things. If I had to say how I felt, I would describe it by saying I kinda, sorta, feel like I'm stuck in the airport and not sure if I'm coming, or going.

Square Peg. Round Hole. Unsettled. Yes, but No. Missing. Wondering. Remembering. Hoping. Questions.

I'm a bit in that place.

Actively flinging myself to Christ. Gospelizing myself. Learning. Learning. Learning some more.

I'm landing there.

There was never a time in my life that I didn't want to be a missionary. That I didn't have a knowing that it was what I wanted and desired to do. Always, I knew.

We were.

Those who are meeting us now, for the first time, it's an interesting detail. A story to be told. For us, it was our life.

Desire is still there. We want full time ministry. Not because we are not called to be 'in the world,' but because it is the pounding, beating, passionate, cry of our hearts to reach and teach those who need the Gospel. Those who want the Gospel.

Exhale.

What now? Here is my struggle. Right here.

Here is where I'm busy trusting and hoping and praying and knowing that Jesus upholds the universe. The entire universe by simply the word of his power. Surely, He upholds our hearts. Surely He is upholding our hearts.

There are moments, more than I would care to admit, that I fear. I fear that we will never be on the mission field again. I fear that Todd will never pastor a church. I fear that how life is now is how it will always be.

Fear is paralyzing. Crippling. Agonizing.

But Oh for the perfect love of Christ that drives out paralyzing, crippling and agonizing fear! The Perfect Love that created desire. The Perfect Love that gives desire. The Perfect Love that satisfies desire.

The. Perfect. Love.

God-given desires are not treasure maps. God doesn't put them in our hearts and then wait to see if we can figure out which road to go down, which path to follow, so that we might satisfy them.  So that we might arrive. This is not the Christian's God.

Our God gives desires. He gives desires that are His desires. He gives desires that He might satisfy them. He gives desires according to His plan. And He is faithful to His plan. Faithfully, Faithful.

"What then shall we say to these things. If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Rom 8:31)

Better. Much Better.

The Complete Work of Christ.

How redemptive is the redemptive work of Christ? How do you measure it? Is it complete? Is it in part? What are its implications? Is it part God, part us? Which part, exactly? How does it play out when we sin? Dose it change it? When we sin, is it because we didn't do our part? (Whatever part that is.)

Today.

Today I went to an event where there was a Christian who had made a big mistake. The guilt and the shame were evident. People had mixed feelings. Most people didn't know how to feel.

All I could think was, 'That it could have been me.' It could have been any of us in that room. And my heart was full of compassion.

Guilt and Shame.

Just the words themselves have a certain weight to them, don't they? Like iron in the pit of your stomach. Like a heavy, wet, suffocating, blanket that you can't get out from under.

I remember. I remember when....

My sin was who I thought I was.
I didn't know how I got to that point and, I thought I'd never be whole again.
I wept. I screamed. I wanted to 'wake up' and RUN.


And then. 

And then, the Gospel came.

In this moment. In this moment RIGHT now, I want to stand on the highest mountain and in the lowest valley, with every part of  my being, and with the loudest voice I have, proclaim for all to hear....


"CHRIST'S. WORK. OF REDEMPTION. IS COMPLETE!  IT'S COMPLETE, IT'S COMPLETE, IT IS COMPLETE!"

Nothing can be added to it. Nothing can be taken away. 

Your sin is NOT who. you. are. 
Every one of us. Every single Christian has done thing they wish they never would have done. never. 
But, they do not define us. 


If God looked at us through our sin, even on our BEST day, who of us could stand? Tell me. Who?


If you do not understand the work of redemption, then when you sin, the guilt and the shame can make you feel like you are living in a vegetative state and you just want someone to pull the plug.

But when you grasp, when you REALLY grasp, the complete and  finished work of Christ, you RUN. Not inward.... Not outward.... But TO. ...And life is abundant.

"Oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.... Jesus."

You don't wear a scarlet letter. You are clothed in the very righteousness of Christ.

"For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." (2 Cor 5:21)

Ready (not so sure), Set (wait just a moment!), Go (Hey now!)

Oh where, oh where, did my newborn go? Miss Felicity is on the move, and this Mommy doesn't quite know how she feels about that.

This and That.

Seriously, I'm beginning to think I should have titled this blog something along the lines of Random Ramblings, because that's all I can seem to post.

If you haven't seen us in a while, rest assured all is well. Well, I guess 'well' is rather subjective. :)


Honestly, I feel like we just can't get ahead. Everyone has been sick with some sort of yuckiness at various times and it's kept us house bound for just about as long as this Mommy can handle.

So, I completely rearranged our living room furniture.

I don't know if it's because I've been cooped up for so many days in a row with four (precious) children, and just needed to feel like I was somewhere new, or the room really needed a revamp. Either way, I love it.

It's amazing how good some rearranging of the furniture works for the soul. New views, new angles, new places to curl up with a good book and coffee.

I think the kids feel the same way. New hide-and-seek places, new ways to build tents and castles, new spaces to dance.

It works for us. :)

I relaxed Keano's hair the other day and he is learning to style it on his own. Some days it looks really sharp and makes me look twice. Other days? ...Well, we've all been there.

Gloria and Faith now both have these adooooooorable little 1920's  flapper hair cuts and I'm convinced they look like they need to be speaking in British accents.

I started Keano's Battle Training. It's awesome. He loves it. I'm grateful. I want to brag.... but wont ;)

K.I.S.S.

When I was in youth group (back in the day), some of the guys held up a sign to our youth pastor that said K.I.S.S. Translated, Keep It Simple, Stupid.

I've come to a conclusion. Making the truths of the Gospel simple enough for those who wouldn't classify themselves as 'intellectuals' or even, children, and teenagers for that matter, is NOT an easy undertaking.

My hubby is SUPER intelligent... and well, me? Ummmm.... What can I say? Opposites attract?

Did you know that there are levels of of genius-ness (Yeah, I totally made that word up.) I didn't know that until I met Todd. And the only reason I know it is because he is 'sub' genius. Right under the 'genius' category. The only thing I have going for me is that I sleep next to him and maybe some of his intelligent brain waves come my way. Kidding, of course. :)

Have you ever learned about something rather HUGE and intricate and then someone asked you to explain, but you just didn't know where to start and how to simplify it? Well, that is smack dab where I am finding myself.

If you read my previous post, you know that I'm looking for some format to discuss the Gospel with Keano primarily, and I think I've found it.

We will be commencing Battle Training. (insert crazy, wild, manly, slightly tribal, battle cry)

Think WOW or paint ball or UFC training, ooooh, or better yet, that thing military people do to prepare themselves for the real battle. Yep, bring it on, baby! 'Cuz here we go!

And did I mention that this Mama knows how to have fun? LOTS of fun.

If you don't think I'm completely crazy and want to read on to the how I'm going to attempt this and why, then read on. If not, better to probably just forget this blog even exists because it's really only the beginning :)

Most Important: Why

The only way the Christian is going to be able to combat the struggle that comes his/her way (either through means of their own flesh, the enemy, or God Himself) is if they know how to apply the Gospel. If the Gospel is simply a list of 'be goods and do goods' as a means to earn God's approval or a means by which we come up to good with him, then we will end up in one of two categories.

1. Complete despair. Feeling and believing as though God is disappointed with us. In this persons mind they have failed God time and time again and simply can just not be good enough to have his approval or favor. Though they typically don't struggle with God's personal love for others, they immensely struggle with God's personal, lavishing, love for them. (This was me.) One can continue on in this for quite some time, but burn out is inevitable. It's like pouring water in your gas tank. ....eventually you're gonna stop.

Or

2. Arrogance. Feeling and believing that God is grateful to have you on His side. In this persons mind, they are the prime example of doing all the 'be goods and do goods' of Scripture and what would God do if He didn't have them? The Kingdom just might be at stake. They struggle understanding how other Christians continue to fall into the same 'sin' over and over again and compassion is not an attribute they usually have much of.

While teaching at a womens' conference in Namibia, my Mom gave us this definition of the Gospel:

"God has rescued us and is rescuing us. He has renewed us and is renewing us.... All through the person and work of Jesus Christ on our behalf." 

On my best day, I could not rescue myself positionally or practically. I could not renew myself positionally nor practically. I need it to be done for me!

I love it! I love it, I love it, I love it! When I hear it preached or taught, I literally have to contain myself. (I suppose I also have to contain myself when the opposite is preached or taught as well. Once you've been freed you don't even like the sound of chains anymore.)

Back to my point.

The reason our Battle Training is important is so that when the battle comes, and it will (we'd be foolish to think not), I want Keano to know his arsenal. It's easy to think that just because he may know Scriptural facts and Biblical history that it will some how keep him from struggling. It wont. It wont, it wont, it wont. (not undermining the importance of those teachings, but if they are not in the context of the Gospel, then they are of little to no avail.)

The only way to keep him from a cycle of sin is if he knows how to apply the Gospel. Hands down.


'If I knew then, what I know now, I would....."

"Hind site is 20/20."

It's true. It's true for all of us. Christian or not, if we knew what trouble was coming our way, we would prepare for it. But, the truth is, trouble is coming. It will come for our kids. It will come for us. ....So we must teach them what to do when it comes. ...And it can't be a list of 'be goods and do goods.' There must be more. Those lists MUST be in the context of the Gospel or we are simply preparing them for failure.

Am I wrong? Tell me if I'm wrong.

The FUN part: How

This dear friends is important. ...Maybe equally as important to the 'why.'

The Gospel isn't boring. The Gospel isn't drudgery. The Gospel isn't a separate part of our lives. The Gospel is ALIVE. The Gospel is full of ENJOYMENT. And the Gospel, dear friends, includes EVERY part of our lives.

So, when teaching the Gospel to our little ones (or not so little ones) it must be THESE things. They mustn't hear one thing and see something else. Don't you remember how perceptive you were as a child/teenager? Don't you remember making those secret vows to yourself, saying "When I'm older, I'll never do....." or "I'll always....." Yeah, those would be the things I'm talking about.

I'm certainly not advocating 'law' at this moment, but before we engage in teaching our children the Gospel, we would be wise to seriously take a time out (sorry, we use that phrase a lot these days :) and ask ourselves is the Gospel alive to us? Does it bring us great joy? Has it permeated every part of our lives, or better yet, do we want it too?

Before we could ever even attempt to put a 'how' together we need to examine why we would even want to. (not that there is only one way. What I'm about to lay out is simply what I'm excited about with Keano. I'm sure it looks ENTIRELY different for each family/child/parent etc.)

Moving on. Here is my game plan for me and Keano.

We are going to study the amazing, miraculous, glorious way in how we went from the state of being enemies of God, to being called his son and daughter. In other words, The Order of Salvation.

If I just lost you and you went 'Ugh. ....What did I just read?' Well, don't check out on me quite yet. Hang in there!

Were going to spend 1 week on each of these topics.

Election

Calling: External and Internal

Regeneration/New Birth!

Conversion: Faith and Repentance

Justification

Adoption

Sanctification

Glorification

I'm going to be teaching these in FUN ways and SERIOUS ways. We'll be creative as to how to teach them. Think, illustrations, examples, stories, and dramas, music, comparisons, etc.

As for the specifics, check back later ;)

Totally Random

I have 4 children and because of it, I think in lists. I didn't so much before they came. :)

So, here is a completely and utterly RANDOM list of the goings on of the 'Hammer Tribe' (and me personally.)

Note: After writing this, I came back up to the top to add that this is a rather long and extremely random post. It's mostly for the purpose of being able to look back on, so REALLY, feel free to just wait (don't hold your breath) for something more thought provoking :)



Personally:

Blogging Memories
A friend, who's girls are now teenagers told me that she wished she would have kept a journal of some sort so she could remember things about her girls when they were young. She said "You think you will remember these sorts of things, but really, you don't." That being said, "I NEED TO BLOG MORE!"

Health
I'm looking into homeopathic remedies. Roll your eyes or ask me what I discover. I'm still somewhere in between those two myself.

I just made my/our own toothpaste and am quite pleased. As for why, just do a quick research on the dangers of fluoride in our water/toothpaste. It will give a better explanation that I could. (youtube videos are easier, I think.) Next on the agenda is our own shampoo/conditioner... that one is just for fun.

My brother-in-law shot a deer for us this fall and I'm busy learning how to cook it. We ate a lot of antelope in Namibia and the experience is proving well now. Tonights menu, venison steak.

I got a juicer for my birthday and I LOVE it. T loves. The kids love it. And, it is FUN. Super fun! I highly recommend it.The possibilities are endless.

I turned 30 on Wednesday and am convinced my metabolism virtually came to a halt.

Motherhood:

Keano
Keano's back!  I should have written about this more and sooner and am now overwhelmed at where to start and where to finish. Here are just a couple random thoughts/experiences....

* I didn't realize how much I missed him. In some ways it felt as if he was never gone.


* I am ever so grateful for his salvation. The time away from us and the situations he was in would make for a very hard and crusty heart had it not been for his understanding of the Gospel in that God is sovereign over all he has and will experience and that God is good. ...and the two are inseparable. It is a beautiful gift to have such 'Gospel conversations'  with your children.


*We need play dates! Anybody have/or know a family with boys Keano's age, shoot me an email.

*We (T, myself, Keano, and Felicity) will be going back to Namibia in January (when the courts reopen) to finalize the NAM side of the adoption.

Ponderings
My mom told me not too long ago that one thing she wished she knew when my sister and I were children is that she wasn't responsible for making 'perfect' children. She thought that if she could just reason with us, prove to us what was right, and blah, blah, blah that we would make the 'right' decision and good choices.

...Now, she would tell you that unless the Living God rescues us, we will be nothing but sinful and there is no reasoning she or anyone could do to change our nature. (Not at all advocating here that we don't reason with our children as that is one of the primary means God uses to reach their hearts, but) My point is simply that it is impossible to raise good children unless God awakens them to their sinful hearts and need for a Savior. I know this concept might beg a lot of questions, but what I'm trying to get at is that I have realized that when Christians do 'miss the mark' it is a result of not trusting in some part of the Gospel. Anxiety, fear, outward or inward, whatever the 'sin' is, it is a result of not knowing and or trusting some part of the Gospel.


I often think that if I had understood the Gospel as I do now that it would have kept me from many mistakes, cycles, choices that I made in the past. This has gotten me thinking about parenting the Christian child.

I am not so naive to think that he will not sin. He will struggle. ...Scripture talk about how we all have a sin that 'easily entangles us,' but my job as a parent is to teach him as much as I can about the Gospel so that when those situations arrive he knows and understands the truth to apply to keep him out of the cycles of sin.

I want a formula. It's the truth. How do you do this?


"You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." Deuteronomy 6:7 I understand being purposeful. ....but if it doesn't come naturally, or if you're so busy changing diapers, feeding babies and keeping a house rolling, you need a purposeful plan. I do not want to do teaching as a response to mistakes as much as I want to do preventative teaching. ....all those times - when you walk, when you lie, when you rise, they are all times of NON tension.

(As a side note, I realize that this Scripture is speaking of the 'laws' of God. This is not what I mean. I am talking about the doctrines of Scripture that the Christian clings to in order to keep them from a whole host of things that could be avoided had they known the Gospel.)

Any suggestions welcome :)

Todd
I know most wives think their husband is the best man in the world (as it should be!), but I just want to brag a moment (feel free to scroll down... again, just for my own remembrance. And, if something terrible should happen, I want my kiddos to be able to read my own words about how much I love their Daddy.)

My Love, 

I love you. Christ in you is an ever flowing fountain of grace towards me. There is no other man that I would ever or could ever love as I love you. I am blessed beyond measure to call you my husband.


I pray for you. I pray that the Living God who has lavished Himself so richly on you would satisfy you to your deepest desire. I pray that He would make me a wife that is full of grace and wisdom towards you that I, through which, would cause you to love our Lord more. 

I pray that he would answer the prayers of your heart and open a way for you to pastor a church and/or speak clearly to us for the direction of our family.


This past year and a half has been one of great hardship with many tears, but through it, God has graciously held us together and drawn us closer, not only to Himself, but to each other. We were homeless, jobless, back in a new culture, loosing our son, and having a baby. Yet, God. 

Yet, God drew us and kept us and still draws us and keeps us to His good and sovereign Self. He has worked out character issues in us that we would have known we had, and yet through this all, he has enabled our marriage to grow stronger. Oh my love, what a God we know! What a God who knows us!

Blessed be His name in all the earth....


With the love of Christ, I write these things to you,


Erin Elizabeth