You might want to skip this one.
All my little ones (and not so little ;) are in bed, and I am needing an outlet to process. I generally process well when I write, so that is what this is. I don't yet know the conclusion. Truth be told, I'm not even quite sure of what my problem is.
I'm not afraid to end on a down note. I know God often takes us 'down' to teach us many beautiful things. He is indeed, beautiful. I'm not afraid to end on a high note, either. Where can we run from His presence? As if we wanted too.
Feelings are funny things. If I had to say how I felt, I would describe it by saying I kinda, sorta, feel like I'm stuck in the airport and not sure if I'm coming, or going.
Square Peg. Round Hole. Unsettled. Yes, but No. Missing. Wondering. Remembering. Hoping. Questions.
I'm a bit in that place.
Actively flinging myself to Christ. Gospelizing myself. Learning. Learning. Learning some more.
I'm landing there.
There was never a time in my life that I didn't want to be a missionary. That I didn't have a knowing that it was what I wanted and desired to do. Always, I knew.
Those who are meeting us now, for the first time, it's an interesting detail. A story to be told. For us, it was our life.
Desire is still there. We want full time ministry. Not because we are not called to be 'in the world,' but because it is the pounding, beating, passionate, cry of our hearts to reach and teach those who need the Gospel. Those who want the Gospel.
What now? Here is my struggle. Right here.
Here is where I'm busy trusting and hoping and praying and knowing that Jesus upholds the universe. The entire universe by simply the word of his power. Surely, He upholds our hearts. Surely He is upholding our hearts.
There are moments, more than I would care to admit, that I fear. I fear that we will never be on the mission field again. I fear that Todd will never pastor a church. I fear that how life is now is how it will always be.
Fear is paralyzing. Crippling. Agonizing.
But Oh for the perfect love of Christ that drives out paralyzing, crippling and agonizing fear! The Perfect Love that created desire. The Perfect Love that gives desire. The Perfect Love that satisfies desire.
The. Perfect. Love.
God-given desires are not treasure maps. God doesn't put them in our hearts and then wait to see if we can figure out which road to go down, which path to follow, so that we might satisfy them. So that we might arrive. This is not the Christian's God.
Our God gives desires. He gives desires that are His desires. He gives desires that He might satisfy them. He gives desires according to His plan. And He is faithful to His plan. Faithfully, Faithful.
"What then shall we say to these things. If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Rom 8:31)
Better. Much Better.